I’ve always preferred deep conversations over small talk. I find meaning in the kind of discussions where ideas are challenged, assumptions are broken, and by the end of it, at least one person walks away a little more enlightened — even if it’s me. Especially if it’s me.

But every now and then, I walk into a conversation that leaves me drained. Not because the topic was heavy, but because the intent behind the debate was never to learn — it was to dominate.

Recently, during a casual visit to a friend’s house, we ended up having a heated discussion about intelligence, genetics, and IQ. What began as an innocent point quickly spiraled into a frustrating loop of loud voices, emotional assertions, and personal bias dressed up as universal truth.

I tried to explain that IQ is a standardised measurement, not a vague impression of “who looks smarter.” I shared that intelligence has complex contributing factors — environment, upbringing, nutrition, education — and that no country or race is genetically superior. But the moment I mentioned I had checked this with ChatGPT, someone cut me off with, “We don’t trust anything that AI says.”

From there, the discussion lost its way — veering into unrelated topics, each one more emotionally charged than the last. There was no desire to understand, only to win. No one was actually listening. I eventually fell silent.

And that silence taught me more than the entire argument.

The Two Kinds of Debaters

In that moment, I realised there are two kinds of people in the world — not divided by background, education, or geography — but by mindset.

  • One kind seeks to assert.
  • The other seeks to understand.

The first kind debates to protect their identity. For them, being wrong is a threat. They argue not to grow, but to guard their ego. Facts are inconvenient, and curiosity feels like weakness.

The second kind — and thankfully I’ve met many of them — sees disagreement as an opportunity. They want to be wrong if it means getting closer to the truth. For them, every debate is a mirror held up to their assumptions. These are the people who energise me.

And one of those people is my wife.

The Joy of Being Challenged by the Right Person

Despite having a similar upbringing to many of the people in that room, my wife challenges me in ways that make me pause and reflect. Her views are almost always backed by logic, data, or grounded real-world insight. And she doesn’t debate to prove me wrong — she debates to make both of us think deeper.

In those conversations, I don’t feel small when I’m wrong. I feel grateful. Because that’s what the right kind of challenge does — it refines your thinking without damaging your confidence.

Humility at the Highest Level

This mindset isn’t just limited to close relationships. I once worked closely with the founder of a company — a PhD from Cambridge. Despite his incredible academic credentials, he was one of the most down-to-earth people I’ve ever met.

What struck me most was how well he listened. At office parties, we’d often chat about things far outside our work scope. He would patiently listen to my thoughts, even though I didn’t come from an Ivy League background or hold fancy titles. He was genuinely curious — about my ideas, my experiences, my perspective. And I learned a great deal from him too.

That’s the kind of mindset that builds great companies and lasting respect — a growth mindset that sees value in people, not just pedigrees.

Growth Is a Mindset, Not a Demographic

This experience made me realise something important: where someone comes from doesn’t dictate how they think — but it can influence how much they’ve been exposed to diverse ways of thinking. That said, growth isn’t limited by geography. I’ve met people from small towns who are open-minded and razor sharp. I’ve also met well-traveled people who refuse to see past their biases.

It’s not about background. It’s about whether someone’s ego leads the way, or their curiosity does.

Final Thought

I don’t expect every conversation to be rational. But I’ve learned to save my energy for the ones that are rooted in respect and curiosity — the ones that leave me changed, not exhausted.

The world doesn’t need more noise. It needs more listeners, more learners, and more people willing to say, “That’s a good point — I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

If you’ve got people in your life who make you feel that way, hold onto them. They’re rare.